Drift.

DRIFT.

Our winter was surprisingly slow with commitments and we had every Friday to spend together when the kids were in school. It was a peacful, life-giving, focused time. After Christmas we began the preparation period to move. Although we didn’t have a move date, we began painting and preparing to make our current home a rental. My days were filled with paint, listening to  preaching, and books, and rest. Then we moved, and in the period of three weeks we had a tidal wave of hard things to walk with others through. Hard, life-altering, things. And my emotional coping mechanism after a certain point was numbness. It seems at a certain point one doesn’t stop caring, but the tears are dried up. The emotions are emotionless. 

In gearing up to the kids summer break my reserves were depleted. I was praying daily for renewal and though I had just finished a bible study and learned to recognized small creeping of drift that enters our lives, my heart was hard. With the busyness of life encircling me, I didn’t even take the time to listen to the small still voice of God saying “Meet with me, read my word, pray.”

With break approaching we decided to hit the ground running when school was out. Our schedule was jammed with kid activities, company, late nights, summer camp and the like. And we drifted. From one baseball game to the next set of vacationers, my husband and I simply didn’t have the energy to talk about the hard things. We noticed drifting in our relationship, and I especially drifted from prioritizing God. The fit-bit tracker showed sleep patterns significantly shifted from peaceful ( before school was out) to  about 3 hours of sleep per night- none restful. Finishing a conversation was a far away thought with all the kids home for vacation. Constant kid bickering, consistent people around (for an introvert this is not life-giving) and constant changing of the sheets for more company, I became numb and exhausted from the pace of life. Wishing school would start again so I could breathe. I imagined going to the hospital and checking myself in just to rest. There was no time to just be. To enjoy the new home space. To be at peace to write. To read and challenge my mind. To be still. 

BUSYNESS=DRIFTING=EXHAUSTION 

My goals for the year needed to be dusted off. My soul was craving depth and rest. And I realized my life was exhausted because the drift experienced was my own lack of trusting and daily relying on God. He was the one to find solace in, and to be renewed by. So was trying to do all on my own, and in essence was too prideful and distracted to pour my hard heart out to Him. And He as always, shows me in His Word this truth.

Hebrews 4:1-16 talks about rest. And obedience, and mercy, and God’s Word. I cannot believe that these things are mentioned in correlation to each other by chance. God wants all of us, and wants us to be free to be who He’s made us to be. But this is hard in life if we do not put up a fight against busyness. We must rest. We must find soul-filling ways to find this Sabbath rest a priority. 

“Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed. Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said, “So I declared on oath in my anger, ‘They shall never enter my rest.’ ” And yet his works have been finished since the creation of the world. For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words: “On the seventh day God rested from all his works.” And again in the passage above he says, “They shall never enter my rest.” Therefore since it still remains for some to enter that rest, and since those who formerly had the good news proclaimed to them did not go in because of their disobedience, God again set a certain day, calling it “Today.” This he did when a long time later he spoke through David, as in the passage already quoted: “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Hebrews 4:1-16 NIV 

Black & White

Lately I've been thinking of things being black and white. Not zebras or newspapers, but life and God's perspective. And I remember how much God lives black and white. He loves and gives grace abundantly more than we can fully understand, but the pages of His living Word tell us He stands for all that is good. And rejects evil.

He hates sin. He loves us.

His character is black and white. We try to think of life in the gray areas. How far can I get to "the line" of sin without crossing it? And as we creep to that line, we become to focused on the line instead of our gracious God. We check our boxes and look at our check lists to see if we are living fully and right. But God wants the best for us so badly that He disciplines us in our Pharisaical sin, because He loves us. The important aspect to remember is He doesn't leave us in that sin. He paid the price with a love so bold none of us can hold a candle to it. He's freed us, and in that freedom we can fully embrace all that comes to us as His plan unfolds. Even if that means He sifts us and molds us in ways we didn't even know existed. As He uncovers areas of our hearts, and sin not fully turned over to Him.

He hates sin. He loves us.

Grace & Mercy, Unconditional Love

Lately I've been learning of what true Mercy looks like in action through failure and sin hindering God's good in my life. Sometimes it seems I had become so accustomed to the ordinary that even the words seemed to fall on deaf ears. As God grows and stretches me, He is also doing a lot of pruning. Areas of life that have gone by the wayside, or swept under the rug. Things "I had handled." Then, failure.

When forced to look square in the face the sin that so easily entangles me such as false humility, rage, envy, self-reliance, God tells me He's pruning. He's preparing. And I wait. Waiting again. But today it's different. Today I see that the beauty of waiting means resting in His great Mercy, and His healing hand of grace. Waiting means listening to Jesus, and spending deep time meditating on His promises found in His living Word. This is different because I'm not going through the motions. He and I are connected. It's not as though He wasn't there, but that I had drifted into relying on myself, and not spending time in His Word. For me, and truly for every believer, spending time in the Bible, studying, learning, seeking wisdom, is never time wasted. This book is alive. And through His Word we are pruned. Things are cut away that are hindering our true calling and purposes fully. We cannot think that we can do this life on our own. Subjecting ourselves to, in the words of LaCrae, HIS SANCTIFYING SURGERY. Think on that for a minute. He needs to meet us at our lows and bring us back new in His Mercy. How do we think so often that avoiding His voice in our lives through the Word that we are able to be rid of sin that traps us and holds us from living free? How can we fill every moment of our life with things that do not last? How can I Lord avoid you when you are right there calling? Why do I do this?

Lord, you will be my boast. You are my all. You are my life, Jesus. Thank you for reminding me of how often I fail, but it's there that you meet me and live through me. Me fully surrendered to you. Because it's not me. My Father, you love so mercifully! I don't deserve this, in any form but you give this love unconditionally. Thank you for bringing me back from the depths of sin, and for giving freedom through your Son. Thank you Jesus.

Clumsy, Wandering Faith.

My favorite ways to connect with God are by getting into His Creation, listening to music that glorifies Him. Hearing songs written to stir the soul and hit my heart to the depths that only God can penetrate. I don't know if this is because when I first came to Jesus my heart was hard and I had not allowed anyone to speak to this level, or because God continually uses music to change and grow and heal me. Either way, I'm thankful for people who fulfill their callings from God and take risks to pursue God-given desires and dreams He prepared in advance for them to do.

And I wonder, why am I so stuck that often times it's hard to see what God is so evidently placing in my path to pursue? Why do I let the small things deter me from what is most important? Fear. Once again fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of criticism. Fear of not following through because this is a huge weakness for me.

It's been a really rough week in our family. And I can most assuredly say that Satan won as he continually tries to battle for my soul. With the words I spoke to my husband, the hearts of one of our kids, and my complete operation outside of the Spirit that dwells in my heart. The things I said broke my favorite people, the ones that know me well and still choose to love. The words hurt so deeply the pain was visible, and as I watched the words fall, I was emotionless. The daggers, the doubts, the hurt, the viciousness were in no way something God would have said to his treasured child. And they were in no way true. Not one ounce. Not one letter. And my capabilities to so easily cooperate with evil is eye opening to say the least. His prowling found a place to hurt and to try to tear apart. And to break down the ones God has given me to steward and to love unconditionally. But I tried to destroy.

And then we left. We almost didn't. My husband and I had planned to be away for just one night. The babysitters were in place, the kids were excited. It had been a year since we had spend time in quality married time away from town and away from parenting. We were exhausted and looking forward to that time. But my hurtful painful words brought a very different ride to our destination. Silence. And my husband had horrible thoughts of my cheating on him. Being unfaithful. We both know and trust at our deepest levels that the other would not do this. A thought came to him that the one who loves and cherishes him, the one who is his most trusted companion and friend would abandon him. Brokenness. Satan trying to destroy yet another family. Trying to breakdown our effectiveness. But I was an instrument of Satan just a few hours earlier. So is it any wonder? I was unfaithful to the God who saved my soul. Evidently. How did I so easily separate this spiritual relationship and not love in my closest human relationship?

We made our way to our accommodations, trying our best to begin the healing process. To forgive. And my husband is such an instrument of grace that the word doesn't describe how defeated he really was. But he chose to love anyway. Tenderly. Graciously. He chose to forgive anyway. He chose to put aside the hurt and to look at me as a sinner in need of God's healing grace. Though so badly I didn't deserve it. So badly I didn't think I was worthy. But he gave. Because God loves him, he chose grace. He continues to give grace. I wish I could say that this was the first time I tried to break him with my words. Why would I ever do this? How is my sin winning in our relationship and my husband chooses grace every time? By the grace of God, as a picture of God, and an instrument of His loving, living relationship with my lover.

Back on the home front, as I listen, and be where my mind is clear of distraction, and spend time in His living Word, I hear and see this line from a Chris Rice song called Wind and Spirit play out.

"From the Corner of Creation, comes the Father's Holy Breath. Riding on the storm with Tender Fierceness, stirring my soul to holiness."

Listen here.
https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=wind+and+spirit+Chris+Rice&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-002

God is tender, He is fierce, He stirs us to better, toward holiness. But we cannot let the strains of this life distract from His best. We also cannot continually cooperate with the enemy and expect grace every time. God is calling. He is stirring. He fiercely wants all of us, and our hearts to be instruments of Him. He wants us to reflect him. And the corners of Creation are calling to rid ourselves that does not measure up with Him. To throw off everything that hinders. Fully.

Lord, help me to love well. To reflect you. To be on guard for the enemy's snares and trust in your protection. Thank you for healing. And grace and for extending grace through my husband. Thank you for allowing me to be renewed. And for breaking me, allowing me to see actions that displease you. For letting me see deep black sin covering my heart. And to know that you will win. And that you are on guard. Let me not have anything that resides in my heart which hurts you or causes you to step away. Please continue to break my heart for what breaks yours daily. Thank you for loving me while I'm yet a sinner prone to wander. Lord let your spirit carry me.

Paris. Community.

I visited Paris once. At the age of 19 God gave me the opportunity to spend January to tour Europe. It was an informative trip. With 40 other kids who almost 20 years later I do not even know anymore. There we were in our bright American rain coats, carrying our backpacks and fanny packs, not blending into the culture, not knowing the culture. Not being known by the culture.
(By the way, who knew fanny was a bad word in Europe? I was oblivious. The man across from me on the train was not. His red face containing laughter directed at me was obvious).

We didn't know this culture because we didn't give time to relationships there. We were in a hurry to fit all the castle tours and operas and symphonies in during our stay. I fell asleep during Phantom of the Opera because of our pace. Hurried. Unaware. Blind to what was really happening in this city. We didn't build friendship with anyone there besides each other.

I cannot help but draw a parallel  between this hurried trip and our hurried culture. The world is passing us by and unless we're intentional to live differently we can be too hurried to know others and be known. We connect on a surface social-media-level, but don't' take the time to really get to know one another in a face-to-face medium. Pretending becomes an art, we post only the good, not the bad and the ugly. We share everything good, but do not really share our struggles with one another. Proposing we have a neat little tied up with a bow. We are unaware and blind to real struggle going on in our friend's and neighbor's lives. We do not go deep with one another because there is always another thing to get to, be involved in, strive for. And we are missing it. Missing God's plan for community.

As a church we can also be blind to the suffering of others outside the church. We stick to our "us" and they stick to their "them".  We know these people, our kids go to school with their kids. We are in many of the same circles but we build friendship with only those we know to believe as we do, and live as we do. The safe people. We drive into our garages, do not invite others to our home, holing up and soon we realize we do not spend our lives for others. And if I do say so, we are missing out. On the real culture. Authentic friendship. Things God might want to teach us, and for us to be filled fully. It's as though we are sleeping through Phantom of the Opera and we are completely unaware of the beautiful music and artistry of God we are missing.

God tells us in Luke 17:33 "If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it." We can no longer cling to just showing our good and keep things safe. We cannot just do what doesn't inconvenience us. We need to enter into real relationship with those different than us. And know and be known. Find real community. Untied bows and all.

Detours.

Why do I revisit places I've been before? I think that's the definition of crazy. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Am I crazy? Or do I just get to bogged down with the mundane and repetitive I forget to live outside every-day tasks?

I am by nature a person who likes routine. But at the same time also thrive in the change of scenery from experiencing new things and places. It's really difficult for my husband to figure out...and for me. But as I get closer to the big 4-0 than from the big 3-0, I want to be live differently. The thrill of experiencing new and getting out of the mundane fills my soul. Yet I still live in this cyclical place of needing some resemblance of order, and consequently: routine becomes mundane. Sometimes I get caught in the place of perfectionism. Sometimes (usually) there are interruptions which keep me from finishing soul stirring thoughts, and implementing them. Sometimes it's pure lack of energy to think differently that holds me from finding the pure joy that comes from experiencing life to the full, as I break from the routine. Sometimes it's fear. Often it's fear.

We recently took a day trip over the highest mountain pass in America. It's beautiful. But it wasn't our goal. We wanted new family pictures. So, we were driving to see some beautiful mountains that many travel from around the globe to see. We saw. We conquered. Or we walked the level, gravel path to a great place to take a picture. With a cranky kid or two.

On our way home after many failed wall-worthy family picture attempts, we saw a sign. I vaguely recalled having heard of this place, but didn't recollect what it was. In a last-second, veer-off-the highway decision we parked the car and got out to explore. And it helped the car-sick kid catch his breath of fresh air. There was a bridge, and a trail, so we blindly followed. It was beautiful, but nothing different than we have near our house. However, as we explored more we saw signs taking us to ice caves and beautiful waterfalls. An interwoven trail which brought us over unique God-made rocks with caverns, and a Narnia-like worlds. And we watched our kids as they found endless imagination. It was that last second decision to take a detour which brought our kids to a deep place of pretending and soul filling play which makes them full of delight. We climbed, we waded, we conquered.

And, I wonder if this isn't a picture of life.If we don't take the detour maybe this is where our definition of crazy begins. We become trapped in fear, interruptions become a burden, life seems to have no purpose. Routine becomes mundane. Perfectionism eats away at our souls. Maybe we miss God. We definitely cannot hear Him as well.

As God takes us on detours from what we thought our path should look like, we can find  contentment. We find true filling of our souls and imagination and maybe a glimpse as to what our purpose in life should be, or why He made us. We're less cranky. And suddenly the purpose of the trip doesn't seem to matter. Because we've experienced drinking from the deep peace He gives us from fully giving our lives to Him. Including the detours.

Trusting God in Wait

It's been 12 and a half years since I've had hours of time in a day to be something other than Mom. Aside from a quiet week in February, when I watched my husband recover from surgically reconstructed ribs in the hospital (more on this later) my quiet time has consisted of reading the Bible or taking a walk. SOMETIMES and angry walk. Sometimes the only time with God I could find. With this year marking my baby attending all day kindergarten, a 2nd grader and TWO middle school girls, now I find myself with six hours of time. Time. Time. Time. And I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes where there is a season for everything. Mom's of Little's these days do seem like a blur. The years definitely have blended together. It took me a while to even recollect how my youngest was born. With so many other people lives to manage (my kids) the details and days have been quite lost at times.

And so I sit here writing my thoughts-complete thoughts at that-it's freeing and it's liberating. 

Thoughts which go through my mind:

• Who am I outside of Mom?
• Have I invested intentionally enough in my kids?
• Wow! 6 hours goes by fast! 
• I need to have more fun! 
• Be the invite-giver!
• What! I can read for pleasure today?
• Who can I commit to connecting with as the year goes, so that I am not in my house by myself for all those hours? Idle time is not a friend for someone who is task-oriented, and likes to be productive.
• Wait! Those hours are well earned. Take a sabbatical.
• Hours- I could probably find a job that would soak up some of those hours.
• I think I'll take a walk without having to have someone find their shoes first. That could actually be great.

It's a bit scattered right now to say the least, but also covered in prayer.

I'm naturally introverted, with a flair for being an extrovert in spurts.
My mind processes things, and I internalize them, or write them down in fear of forgetting them. Once it's written, it's checked off the list. And you'd think I'd remember to write my passwords down but I don't so I'm constantly keeping those passwords guessing. Hey-it's one way to beat the hackers. 

The insight God gives me seems to be the truth. He knows what's going on this year, he knows it's flown by as the years are gone with a blink. But He also knows the plans and days He's set for me. So I pray. Reflect. Notice. And wait.

As the school year approached, my mind wondered what I could write on a resume. Over a decade of being at home had caused me to have a very minute amount of resume-worthy skills. So I scoured the help wanted ads, but didn't find one thing that looked interesting. Assuming my kids would always be in the public schools, I applied for a super part-time job where the boys are attending. But of course our town in crawling with retired teachers, who have 30 years experience, so those part time "I think this would be a great hobby" jobs seem to be snatched up before they are even posted. This realization took my heart to places of insecurity and doubt, confusion and introspection. God has a plan I kept telling myself. He knows. Then, in one moment of exasperation, as my patient husband watched me going through this, he asked me if I didn't have a resume, would I not be worth anything? Would God not be able to use me? 

Of course I know these truths, and as a Mom I'm often encouraging the kiddos in this manner. God can use you if you're willing. God uses those who are available, God has used many in Bible who do not have the Cadillac of degrees, or who do not have much work history on their resumes. Look at David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17. Young David defeated Goliath as he was swinging his sling shot. He was available and willing to bring supper to his brothers, and asked questions. He brought energy and a deep assurance that God was with him as he volunteered to stand up. 

As I think of this season, God reminds me of David . Although my closer-to-40-than-30 self is not young, God has taught me some things. He will be with me wherever I go. Go about my daily tasks, Be available, Be willing. Ask questions, Be assured that God is with me and stand up.

Pretty great wisdom from a young'un. So, the Word of God. This is where wisdom has always come from. The Bible, God's instruction book of life. Oh yeah! That book which I put on the back burner a lot of days this summer. I'll start there. And I'll wait on His direction.