Clumsy, Wandering Faith.

My favorite ways to connect with God are by getting into His Creation, listening to music that glorifies Him. Hearing songs written to stir the soul and hit my heart to the depths that only God can penetrate. I don't know if this is because when I first came to Jesus my heart was hard and I had not allowed anyone to speak to this level, or because God continually uses music to change and grow and heal me. Either way, I'm thankful for people who fulfill their callings from God and take risks to pursue God-given desires and dreams He prepared in advance for them to do.

And I wonder, why am I so stuck that often times it's hard to see what God is so evidently placing in my path to pursue? Why do I let the small things deter me from what is most important? Fear. Once again fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of criticism. Fear of not following through because this is a huge weakness for me.

It's been a really rough week in our family. And I can most assuredly say that Satan won as he continually tries to battle for my soul. With the words I spoke to my husband, the hearts of one of our kids, and my complete operation outside of the Spirit that dwells in my heart. The things I said broke my favorite people, the ones that know me well and still choose to love. The words hurt so deeply the pain was visible, and as I watched the words fall, I was emotionless. The daggers, the doubts, the hurt, the viciousness were in no way something God would have said to his treasured child. And they were in no way true. Not one ounce. Not one letter. And my capabilities to so easily cooperate with evil is eye opening to say the least. His prowling found a place to hurt and to try to tear apart. And to break down the ones God has given me to steward and to love unconditionally. But I tried to destroy.

And then we left. We almost didn't. My husband and I had planned to be away for just one night. The babysitters were in place, the kids were excited. It had been a year since we had spend time in quality married time away from town and away from parenting. We were exhausted and looking forward to that time. But my hurtful painful words brought a very different ride to our destination. Silence. And my husband had horrible thoughts of my cheating on him. Being unfaithful. We both know and trust at our deepest levels that the other would not do this. A thought came to him that the one who loves and cherishes him, the one who is his most trusted companion and friend would abandon him. Brokenness. Satan trying to destroy yet another family. Trying to breakdown our effectiveness. But I was an instrument of Satan just a few hours earlier. So is it any wonder? I was unfaithful to the God who saved my soul. Evidently. How did I so easily separate this spiritual relationship and not love in my closest human relationship?

We made our way to our accommodations, trying our best to begin the healing process. To forgive. And my husband is such an instrument of grace that the word doesn't describe how defeated he really was. But he chose to love anyway. Tenderly. Graciously. He chose to forgive anyway. He chose to put aside the hurt and to look at me as a sinner in need of God's healing grace. Though so badly I didn't deserve it. So badly I didn't think I was worthy. But he gave. Because God loves him, he chose grace. He continues to give grace. I wish I could say that this was the first time I tried to break him with my words. Why would I ever do this? How is my sin winning in our relationship and my husband chooses grace every time? By the grace of God, as a picture of God, and an instrument of His loving, living relationship with my lover.

Back on the home front, as I listen, and be where my mind is clear of distraction, and spend time in His living Word, I hear and see this line from a Chris Rice song called Wind and Spirit play out.

"From the Corner of Creation, comes the Father's Holy Breath. Riding on the storm with Tender Fierceness, stirring my soul to holiness."

Listen here.
https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=wind+and+spirit+Chris+Rice&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-002

God is tender, He is fierce, He stirs us to better, toward holiness. But we cannot let the strains of this life distract from His best. We also cannot continually cooperate with the enemy and expect grace every time. God is calling. He is stirring. He fiercely wants all of us, and our hearts to be instruments of Him. He wants us to reflect him. And the corners of Creation are calling to rid ourselves that does not measure up with Him. To throw off everything that hinders. Fully.

Lord, help me to love well. To reflect you. To be on guard for the enemy's snares and trust in your protection. Thank you for healing. And grace and for extending grace through my husband. Thank you for allowing me to be renewed. And for breaking me, allowing me to see actions that displease you. For letting me see deep black sin covering my heart. And to know that you will win. And that you are on guard. Let me not have anything that resides in my heart which hurts you or causes you to step away. Please continue to break my heart for what breaks yours daily. Thank you for loving me while I'm yet a sinner prone to wander. Lord let your spirit carry me.