Drift.

DRIFT.

Our winter was surprisingly slow with commitments and we had every Friday to spend together when the kids were in school. It was a peacful, life-giving, focused time. After Christmas we began the preparation period to move. Although we didn’t have a move date, we began painting and preparing to make our current home a rental. My days were filled with paint, listening to  preaching, and books, and rest. Then we moved, and in the period of three weeks we had a tidal wave of hard things to walk with others through. Hard, life-altering, things. And my emotional coping mechanism after a certain point was numbness. It seems at a certain point one doesn’t stop caring, but the tears are dried up. The emotions are emotionless. 

In gearing up to the kids summer break my reserves were depleted. I was praying daily for renewal and though I had just finished a bible study and learned to recognized small creeping of drift that enters our lives, my heart was hard. With the busyness of life encircling me, I didn’t even take the time to listen to the small still voice of God saying “Meet with me, read my word, pray.”

With break approaching we decided to hit the ground running when school was out. Our schedule was jammed with kid activities, company, late nights, summer camp and the like. And we drifted. From one baseball game to the next set of vacationers, my husband and I simply didn’t have the energy to talk about the hard things. We noticed drifting in our relationship, and I especially drifted from prioritizing God. The fit-bit tracker showed sleep patterns significantly shifted from peaceful ( before school was out) to  about 3 hours of sleep per night- none restful. Finishing a conversation was a far away thought with all the kids home for vacation. Constant kid bickering, consistent people around (for an introvert this is not life-giving) and constant changing of the sheets for more company, I became numb and exhausted from the pace of life. Wishing school would start again so I could breathe. I imagined going to the hospital and checking myself in just to rest. There was no time to just be. To enjoy the new home space. To be at peace to write. To read and challenge my mind. To be still. 

BUSYNESS=DRIFTING=EXHAUSTION 

My goals for the year needed to be dusted off. My soul was craving depth and rest. And I realized my life was exhausted because the drift experienced was my own lack of trusting and daily relying on God. He was the one to find solace in, and to be renewed by. So was trying to do all on my own, and in essence was too prideful and distracted to pour my hard heart out to Him. And He as always, shows me in His Word this truth.

Hebrews 4:1-16 talks about rest. And obedience, and mercy, and God’s Word. I cannot believe that these things are mentioned in correlation to each other by chance. God wants all of us, and wants us to be free to be who He’s made us to be. But this is hard in life if we do not put up a fight against busyness. We must rest. We must find soul-filling ways to find this Sabbath rest a priority. 

“Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed. Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said, “So I declared on oath in my anger, ‘They shall never enter my rest.’ ” And yet his works have been finished since the creation of the world. For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words: “On the seventh day God rested from all his works.” And again in the passage above he says, “They shall never enter my rest.” Therefore since it still remains for some to enter that rest, and since those who formerly had the good news proclaimed to them did not go in because of their disobedience, God again set a certain day, calling it “Today.” This he did when a long time later he spoke through David, as in the passage already quoted: “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Hebrews 4:1-16 NIV 

Black & White

Lately I've been thinking of things being black and white. Not zebras or newspapers, but life and God's perspective. And I remember how much God lives black and white. He loves and gives grace abundantly more than we can fully understand, but the pages of His living Word tell us He stands for all that is good. And rejects evil.

He hates sin. He loves us.

His character is black and white. We try to think of life in the gray areas. How far can I get to "the line" of sin without crossing it? And as we creep to that line, we become to focused on the line instead of our gracious God. We check our boxes and look at our check lists to see if we are living fully and right. But God wants the best for us so badly that He disciplines us in our Pharisaical sin, because He loves us. The important aspect to remember is He doesn't leave us in that sin. He paid the price with a love so bold none of us can hold a candle to it. He's freed us, and in that freedom we can fully embrace all that comes to us as His plan unfolds. Even if that means He sifts us and molds us in ways we didn't even know existed. As He uncovers areas of our hearts, and sin not fully turned over to Him.

He hates sin. He loves us.

Grace & Mercy, Unconditional Love

Lately I've been learning of what true Mercy looks like in action through failure and sin hindering God's good in my life. Sometimes it seems I had become so accustomed to the ordinary that even the words seemed to fall on deaf ears. As God grows and stretches me, He is also doing a lot of pruning. Areas of life that have gone by the wayside, or swept under the rug. Things "I had handled." Then, failure.

When forced to look square in the face the sin that so easily entangles me such as false humility, rage, envy, self-reliance, God tells me He's pruning. He's preparing. And I wait. Waiting again. But today it's different. Today I see that the beauty of waiting means resting in His great Mercy, and His healing hand of grace. Waiting means listening to Jesus, and spending deep time meditating on His promises found in His living Word. This is different because I'm not going through the motions. He and I are connected. It's not as though He wasn't there, but that I had drifted into relying on myself, and not spending time in His Word. For me, and truly for every believer, spending time in the Bible, studying, learning, seeking wisdom, is never time wasted. This book is alive. And through His Word we are pruned. Things are cut away that are hindering our true calling and purposes fully. We cannot think that we can do this life on our own. Subjecting ourselves to, in the words of LaCrae, HIS SANCTIFYING SURGERY. Think on that for a minute. He needs to meet us at our lows and bring us back new in His Mercy. How do we think so often that avoiding His voice in our lives through the Word that we are able to be rid of sin that traps us and holds us from living free? How can we fill every moment of our life with things that do not last? How can I Lord avoid you when you are right there calling? Why do I do this?

Lord, you will be my boast. You are my all. You are my life, Jesus. Thank you for reminding me of how often I fail, but it's there that you meet me and live through me. Me fully surrendered to you. Because it's not me. My Father, you love so mercifully! I don't deserve this, in any form but you give this love unconditionally. Thank you for bringing me back from the depths of sin, and for giving freedom through your Son. Thank you Jesus.

Clumsy, Wandering Faith.

My favorite ways to connect with God are by getting into His Creation, listening to music that glorifies Him. Hearing songs written to stir the soul and hit my heart to the depths that only God can penetrate. I don't know if this is because when I first came to Jesus my heart was hard and I had not allowed anyone to speak to this level, or because God continually uses music to change and grow and heal me. Either way, I'm thankful for people who fulfill their callings from God and take risks to pursue God-given desires and dreams He prepared in advance for them to do.

And I wonder, why am I so stuck that often times it's hard to see what God is so evidently placing in my path to pursue? Why do I let the small things deter me from what is most important? Fear. Once again fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of criticism. Fear of not following through because this is a huge weakness for me.

It's been a really rough week in our family. And I can most assuredly say that Satan won as he continually tries to battle for my soul. With the words I spoke to my husband, the hearts of one of our kids, and my complete operation outside of the Spirit that dwells in my heart. The things I said broke my favorite people, the ones that know me well and still choose to love. The words hurt so deeply the pain was visible, and as I watched the words fall, I was emotionless. The daggers, the doubts, the hurt, the viciousness were in no way something God would have said to his treasured child. And they were in no way true. Not one ounce. Not one letter. And my capabilities to so easily cooperate with evil is eye opening to say the least. His prowling found a place to hurt and to try to tear apart. And to break down the ones God has given me to steward and to love unconditionally. But I tried to destroy.

And then we left. We almost didn't. My husband and I had planned to be away for just one night. The babysitters were in place, the kids were excited. It had been a year since we had spend time in quality married time away from town and away from parenting. We were exhausted and looking forward to that time. But my hurtful painful words brought a very different ride to our destination. Silence. And my husband had horrible thoughts of my cheating on him. Being unfaithful. We both know and trust at our deepest levels that the other would not do this. A thought came to him that the one who loves and cherishes him, the one who is his most trusted companion and friend would abandon him. Brokenness. Satan trying to destroy yet another family. Trying to breakdown our effectiveness. But I was an instrument of Satan just a few hours earlier. So is it any wonder? I was unfaithful to the God who saved my soul. Evidently. How did I so easily separate this spiritual relationship and not love in my closest human relationship?

We made our way to our accommodations, trying our best to begin the healing process. To forgive. And my husband is such an instrument of grace that the word doesn't describe how defeated he really was. But he chose to love anyway. Tenderly. Graciously. He chose to forgive anyway. He chose to put aside the hurt and to look at me as a sinner in need of God's healing grace. Though so badly I didn't deserve it. So badly I didn't think I was worthy. But he gave. Because God loves him, he chose grace. He continues to give grace. I wish I could say that this was the first time I tried to break him with my words. Why would I ever do this? How is my sin winning in our relationship and my husband chooses grace every time? By the grace of God, as a picture of God, and an instrument of His loving, living relationship with my lover.

Back on the home front, as I listen, and be where my mind is clear of distraction, and spend time in His living Word, I hear and see this line from a Chris Rice song called Wind and Spirit play out.

"From the Corner of Creation, comes the Father's Holy Breath. Riding on the storm with Tender Fierceness, stirring my soul to holiness."

Listen here.
https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=wind+and+spirit+Chris+Rice&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-002

God is tender, He is fierce, He stirs us to better, toward holiness. But we cannot let the strains of this life distract from His best. We also cannot continually cooperate with the enemy and expect grace every time. God is calling. He is stirring. He fiercely wants all of us, and our hearts to be instruments of Him. He wants us to reflect him. And the corners of Creation are calling to rid ourselves that does not measure up with Him. To throw off everything that hinders. Fully.

Lord, help me to love well. To reflect you. To be on guard for the enemy's snares and trust in your protection. Thank you for healing. And grace and for extending grace through my husband. Thank you for allowing me to be renewed. And for breaking me, allowing me to see actions that displease you. For letting me see deep black sin covering my heart. And to know that you will win. And that you are on guard. Let me not have anything that resides in my heart which hurts you or causes you to step away. Please continue to break my heart for what breaks yours daily. Thank you for loving me while I'm yet a sinner prone to wander. Lord let your spirit carry me.

Paris. Community.

I visited Paris once. At the age of 19 God gave me the opportunity to spend January to tour Europe. It was an informative trip. With 40 other kids who almost 20 years later I do not even know anymore. There we were in our bright American rain coats, carrying our backpacks and fanny packs, not blending into the culture, not knowing the culture. Not being known by the culture.
(By the way, who knew fanny was a bad word in Europe? I was oblivious. The man across from me on the train was not. His red face containing laughter directed at me was obvious).

We didn't know this culture because we didn't give time to relationships there. We were in a hurry to fit all the castle tours and operas and symphonies in during our stay. I fell asleep during Phantom of the Opera because of our pace. Hurried. Unaware. Blind to what was really happening in this city. We didn't build friendship with anyone there besides each other.

I cannot help but draw a parallel  between this hurried trip and our hurried culture. The world is passing us by and unless we're intentional to live differently we can be too hurried to know others and be known. We connect on a surface social-media-level, but don't' take the time to really get to know one another in a face-to-face medium. Pretending becomes an art, we post only the good, not the bad and the ugly. We share everything good, but do not really share our struggles with one another. Proposing we have a neat little tied up with a bow. We are unaware and blind to real struggle going on in our friend's and neighbor's lives. We do not go deep with one another because there is always another thing to get to, be involved in, strive for. And we are missing it. Missing God's plan for community.

As a church we can also be blind to the suffering of others outside the church. We stick to our "us" and they stick to their "them".  We know these people, our kids go to school with their kids. We are in many of the same circles but we build friendship with only those we know to believe as we do, and live as we do. The safe people. We drive into our garages, do not invite others to our home, holing up and soon we realize we do not spend our lives for others. And if I do say so, we are missing out. On the real culture. Authentic friendship. Things God might want to teach us, and for us to be filled fully. It's as though we are sleeping through Phantom of the Opera and we are completely unaware of the beautiful music and artistry of God we are missing.

God tells us in Luke 17:33 "If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it." We can no longer cling to just showing our good and keep things safe. We cannot just do what doesn't inconvenience us. We need to enter into real relationship with those different than us. And know and be known. Find real community. Untied bows and all.

Detours.

Why do I revisit places I've been before? I think that's the definition of crazy. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Am I crazy? Or do I just get to bogged down with the mundane and repetitive I forget to live outside every-day tasks?

I am by nature a person who likes routine. But at the same time also thrive in the change of scenery from experiencing new things and places. It's really difficult for my husband to figure out...and for me. But as I get closer to the big 4-0 than from the big 3-0, I want to be live differently. The thrill of experiencing new and getting out of the mundane fills my soul. Yet I still live in this cyclical place of needing some resemblance of order, and consequently: routine becomes mundane. Sometimes I get caught in the place of perfectionism. Sometimes (usually) there are interruptions which keep me from finishing soul stirring thoughts, and implementing them. Sometimes it's pure lack of energy to think differently that holds me from finding the pure joy that comes from experiencing life to the full, as I break from the routine. Sometimes it's fear. Often it's fear.

We recently took a day trip over the highest mountain pass in America. It's beautiful. But it wasn't our goal. We wanted new family pictures. So, we were driving to see some beautiful mountains that many travel from around the globe to see. We saw. We conquered. Or we walked the level, gravel path to a great place to take a picture. With a cranky kid or two.

On our way home after many failed wall-worthy family picture attempts, we saw a sign. I vaguely recalled having heard of this place, but didn't recollect what it was. In a last-second, veer-off-the highway decision we parked the car and got out to explore. And it helped the car-sick kid catch his breath of fresh air. There was a bridge, and a trail, so we blindly followed. It was beautiful, but nothing different than we have near our house. However, as we explored more we saw signs taking us to ice caves and beautiful waterfalls. An interwoven trail which brought us over unique God-made rocks with caverns, and a Narnia-like worlds. And we watched our kids as they found endless imagination. It was that last second decision to take a detour which brought our kids to a deep place of pretending and soul filling play which makes them full of delight. We climbed, we waded, we conquered.

And, I wonder if this isn't a picture of life.If we don't take the detour maybe this is where our definition of crazy begins. We become trapped in fear, interruptions become a burden, life seems to have no purpose. Routine becomes mundane. Perfectionism eats away at our souls. Maybe we miss God. We definitely cannot hear Him as well.

As God takes us on detours from what we thought our path should look like, we can find  contentment. We find true filling of our souls and imagination and maybe a glimpse as to what our purpose in life should be, or why He made us. We're less cranky. And suddenly the purpose of the trip doesn't seem to matter. Because we've experienced drinking from the deep peace He gives us from fully giving our lives to Him. Including the detours.

Trusting God in Wait

It's been 12 and a half years since I've had hours of time in a day to be something other than Mom. Aside from a quiet week in February, when I watched my husband recover from surgically reconstructed ribs in the hospital (more on this later) my quiet time has consisted of reading the Bible or taking a walk. SOMETIMES and angry walk. Sometimes the only time with God I could find. With this year marking my baby attending all day kindergarten, a 2nd grader and TWO middle school girls, now I find myself with six hours of time. Time. Time. Time. And I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes where there is a season for everything. Mom's of Little's these days do seem like a blur. The years definitely have blended together. It took me a while to even recollect how my youngest was born. With so many other people lives to manage (my kids) the details and days have been quite lost at times.

And so I sit here writing my thoughts-complete thoughts at that-it's freeing and it's liberating. 

Thoughts which go through my mind:

• Who am I outside of Mom?
• Have I invested intentionally enough in my kids?
• Wow! 6 hours goes by fast! 
• I need to have more fun! 
• Be the invite-giver!
• What! I can read for pleasure today?
• Who can I commit to connecting with as the year goes, so that I am not in my house by myself for all those hours? Idle time is not a friend for someone who is task-oriented, and likes to be productive.
• Wait! Those hours are well earned. Take a sabbatical.
• Hours- I could probably find a job that would soak up some of those hours.
• I think I'll take a walk without having to have someone find their shoes first. That could actually be great.

It's a bit scattered right now to say the least, but also covered in prayer.

I'm naturally introverted, with a flair for being an extrovert in spurts.
My mind processes things, and I internalize them, or write them down in fear of forgetting them. Once it's written, it's checked off the list. And you'd think I'd remember to write my passwords down but I don't so I'm constantly keeping those passwords guessing. Hey-it's one way to beat the hackers. 

The insight God gives me seems to be the truth. He knows what's going on this year, he knows it's flown by as the years are gone with a blink. But He also knows the plans and days He's set for me. So I pray. Reflect. Notice. And wait.

As the school year approached, my mind wondered what I could write on a resume. Over a decade of being at home had caused me to have a very minute amount of resume-worthy skills. So I scoured the help wanted ads, but didn't find one thing that looked interesting. Assuming my kids would always be in the public schools, I applied for a super part-time job where the boys are attending. But of course our town in crawling with retired teachers, who have 30 years experience, so those part time "I think this would be a great hobby" jobs seem to be snatched up before they are even posted. This realization took my heart to places of insecurity and doubt, confusion and introspection. God has a plan I kept telling myself. He knows. Then, in one moment of exasperation, as my patient husband watched me going through this, he asked me if I didn't have a resume, would I not be worth anything? Would God not be able to use me? 

Of course I know these truths, and as a Mom I'm often encouraging the kiddos in this manner. God can use you if you're willing. God uses those who are available, God has used many in Bible who do not have the Cadillac of degrees, or who do not have much work history on their resumes. Look at David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17. Young David defeated Goliath as he was swinging his sling shot. He was available and willing to bring supper to his brothers, and asked questions. He brought energy and a deep assurance that God was with him as he volunteered to stand up. 

As I think of this season, God reminds me of David . Although my closer-to-40-than-30 self is not young, God has taught me some things. He will be with me wherever I go. Go about my daily tasks, Be available, Be willing. Ask questions, Be assured that God is with me and stand up.

Pretty great wisdom from a young'un. So, the Word of God. This is where wisdom has always come from. The Bible, God's instruction book of life. Oh yeah! That book which I put on the back burner a lot of days this summer. I'll start there. And I'll wait on His direction.

A New Route

Once as a teenager, I was four wheeling with some friends in my parents truck. As we approached some deep muddy ruts, my friend shouted "Stay out of the ruts! Straddle the ruts!" I didn't listen. I just did what I thought was best. Then what happened next was some serious high centered, stuck. It took a large amount of towing to un-stick the truck.

I have a tendency to fall into ruts in my daily routine if I'm not intentional to be free. And it takes some serious towing (or pruning) for God to bring me out of them. Lately God has made me aware of my unintentional ruts and in my distorted-thinking human mind, how easily they start. Even with warning from others, or prompting by God in other ways, I end up stuck. I stick to some of the following, and maybe you're the same. 

The way we relate to Jesus--thinking of him from our limited rut-inducing perspective puts him in a box. God does not like boxes. He is the creator of creative! Ask questions, have conversations. Be still, slow down so He can speak to you as you pray, don't just present your requests to Him.

How we study the bible--the same time and place, the same way. Be romantic with God....do something out of the ordinary!

Ministry--don't do what's always been done just for tradition's sake. Evaluate. Include new people who bring fresh perspective, try something out of your normal box--if your normally say no, say yes. If you normally say yes, say no. A different pattern led by God's spirit can refuel you as well as teach those you are ministering to. And if you are working in the spirit, it will bring you so much joy!

Friendships--serve together instead of the regular walk or coffee, pray together instead of just debriefing your busy lives. As the girls scouts sing "make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold." Include new people in your week, your lives. But be sure your old friends are valued with depth and time as well. Also be sure your friends do not take the place of priority over God and your spouse and kids.

Daily routine--for me with littles at home routine equals success sometimes, but just taking a different walking route this morning allowed me to see new things, hear God speak in a different way, appreciate God in a different way that I otherwise would have missed. Mark out some time to 'just be' with Jesus.

Choose Joy--Instead of complaining about what is wrong or not up to your expectations, choose to have contagious Joy by listing what you are thankful for what God is doing in your life, praise Him even when life is hard.

The first vivid thought from God after I came to understand what a relationship with Jesus was "Be Flexible." God kept repeating this to me as I served as a camp counselor. To flex means to bend (something pliant or elastic). Pliable. Moveable. "Be shaped by me," God says. "Don't be so stuck in your comfortable world that you miss opportunities to see me at work and to join me. I have a plan for you." 

So, after this awareness of ruts and my nature to want to be comfortable I started evaluating a lot of my daily life and how often things, good things, get stale and don't move forward. God is teaching me to break out of these patterns to thrive, not just live.

Jesus help me to live fully in the right here and now. To be pliable--bendable and molded by you. Help me to pray constantly as I wait for what is next. Being thankful and watchful for you.Amen.

The words of strangers

With children three and four, a crying fit while running errands just doesn't phase me anymore. I get it. It's boring. We are inside (shopping none the less) on a great day for running, jumping, maybe even flying a kite if the wind picks up. We drove past the park twice before returning home, and even though we've already been out for our exercise with one on a bike and one in a stroller, errands just do not get any better. 

But, we have to go out. Diapers are nill in the house and you know what that means: pin pricks and diaper dishtowels until we get some more. Not really, but this ideas from a friend of mine just took on a new twist....The Moo Through. If you're out of milk, drive right on through pick up a gallon. WITHOUT GETTING THE KIDS OUT OF THE CAR!! But with our stock of diapers plummeting, and planning ahead for all the fresh peaches that the baby has eaten just isn't possible, my husband has suggested The Moo and Poo Drive Through. Love it!

So, back to the crying fit. In this particular store I always seem to run into complete strangers with "words of wisdom." Granted, many are wise, and they actually are meaning well, but today the comment "It Only Gets Worse" as my one year old screams while I pay the cashier made me laugh out loud. Calmly retorting with a smile, "They all have their strengths," was my on the fly response. It really had me remembering about how things like this with children one and two would take me home in tears. I was overwhelmed. Days were difficult, running errands always took an hour longer than necessary because of our geographical location, I felt isolated some days, but too exhausted to reach out, I felt like a piece of myself was growing as a mom, but all the other pieces were dwindling. But it seems so long ago. It seems as though God carried me through those days swiftly, and now it is a bit hazy. So glad my husband remembers things and that we took a lot of pictures!

This time around, I am being intentional to slow down with my preschoolers, to listen and explore. With these two busy, sweet, crazy boys, it's a wonder anything gets done around our house but how I am enjoying the privilege of staying home with them! I miss my older girls at these stages, although am loving their inquisitive personalities and independence now. Every day is a gift with these four precious gifts--from spiders named "spiderman" kept in a jar, to races around the living room table, and any two items becoming a baseball and bat I'm soaking it up. 

I am praying that God will make me thrive here, find contentment here, and be still here. This is ministry. The plethora of hats most of us want to wear, pale in comparison to the investment of little disciples God has placed in our lives. Knowing these days pass so quickly and the dirty floors can wait, I will slow down. I will praise God for the reward of offspring. How blessed to have a full quiver. And to the "wise" woman in the store: it doesn't get worse. I can praise God now for healthy kids who can cry. I can have joy in the now because I know the source of Joy. Jesus.

Psalm 127:3-4:

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like sparrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them."

At His Pace...His Peace.

Simplicity, Quiet. Peace. These three things have been the theme of my life the past year. Not that I have acquired them, but the pursuit of them have been my focus. It seems that many things have the tendency to take the place of Peace in my life. Including things most precious to me; my little family (or large, depending on who you ask) & close friends.  I prioritized them wrong. Before God. And how easily they were placed out of order.

Reflecting on this now, God has been good. God has been gracious. He's shown me that having no peace in our home, really meant that He was not being allowed to shoulder the burdens this life brings. Instead, I was taking them on, and even counting blessings as burdens. He showed me the mistake of making these things an idol.

As I set out into this next season, I pray. Pray that God will remind me that nothing is possible without Him...when it is a struggle, and brings me no peace or joy, it is not Him working--it's  me. Pray that He will show me simplicity is not simple. It's a quest to live differently as the world whizzes by. To find quiet. To Be still.  To know that He is to be exalted in all the earth.

Psalm 46:9-11

⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Marriage-what a gift

This fall Craig and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. In reflecting on our wedding day, I remember what an honor and commitment we made before God and so many loved ones. Our years have flown by--ten years of marriage used to seem so far away! I was reminded of that this week as we witnessed two wonderful people pledge to love, honor, and respect each other.

But marriage is so much more than the day. It's a lifetime of relationship that will make a marriage. So often, I've found, that my attitude has been less than par toward my husband. Small things have caused pain, interruptions have happened, circumstances have accumulated and infested our relationship. But there has been much good, as well. We've grown up together, started a family, ministered together, laughed (a lot, but I wish more), cried, and stood by each other. We've grown in the depth of our relationship- a depth only Christ can provide.

It is so fun to reminisce about our first years of marriage, and although the newness of being newlyweds is no longer new, the love that I know my husband and I have for each other had not. It's only grown deeper and more firm. Praise the Lord! Watching my girls witness the wedding and their excitement for marriage was a reminder to pray for their future marriages. I pray all of our kids will marry strong believers in Jesus, who has created marriage, and who will love, honor, and respect them the way they deserve.

I LOVE my husband more every day. He is my best friend, my guide. He is such a blessing, such a gift. I love that God has kept our love for each other fresh and new.

God is good.

The Garbage Truck

Today is Garbage Day. In watching my 1 year old get so excited at the most ordinary, every day occurrence such as the garbage truck coming by our house, I am amazed at how fast this motherhood adventure is passing; my life in general is passing. It seems like just last week when my 6 year old would run to the window and be excited at seeing the truck go by. Now she's in kindergarten. My four year old would stand on her tip toes to see out the window, and she would watch the truck until she could see it no longer as it drove away around the corner. She's so independent.

In this simple thing, I am reminded of how our days are numbered. No one knows when our last will fall, only our GREAT GOD. He knows the number of hairs on our heads (Luke 12:27), he knows the span of our life, he knows how deeply we need Him. He knows what each of our days will encounter and what we will face. He knows--

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

So, if I truly believe all that He says is true, that He knows our days, He knows our span of life, then how am I living? Am I looking for His goodness throughout the day, in simple, every ordinary things? Am I thankful and praising God for this life of abundance?

I pray that this week will give way to my heart being grateful, that praise will be on my lips (Psalms 34:1), and that everyday, ordinary, routine life will be acts of worship. Even the garbage truck.

The Joys of Toys

This week will hopefully prove to be monumental in our home. We have taken away every single one of our girls toys. Now, this is not something we are doing lightly, but have been talking about for about 3 years now. Every so often when a fight breaks out over a particular coveted toy, we ask "Do you want all of your toys to be taken away?" They knew we didn't mean business--until now.

As one daughter punched the other in the nose over a toy, and the other yelled and screamed in her face, we new we needed drastic measures. Now. As this incident unfolded, I walked into their room (I wish I could say calmly, but alas, I am a sinner, and it was done with frustration--how it would have been better with self-control--I confess this Jesus). I needed to heed the Word in

Proverbs 25:28 that says:

"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control."

Although I lacked self-control, I did ask for forgiveness and pointed out that I, too, am a sinner in need of the Grace of God. The girls are so quick to forgive---oh to be a child with that child-like faith!

So the story continues:
My husband and I began to gather each toy and put it in the hallway, as quickly and without talking. The girls looked onward with tears as they watched their favorite toys be taken from their place, and put in garbage bags and Rubbermaid boxes. We saved some of their favorite toys, but have discarded SO many! I can't believe how many toys the girls had!! We did not move that many toys here three years ago...so they had multiplied by night and over taken our lives!!

Not only was the issue about the physical fight between our kids, but the lack of thankfulness. The greed factor had crept up, and taken over my precious little girls. So, now, we are looking at the heart issue here. Greed. God's Word says this:

Ephesians 5:5

"For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God."

This is our end goal in parenting: to instill in our children a life that reflects God, so they can inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. So they can be with Him in eternity. Greed cannot be tolerated.

But it should not be tolerated in my life as well. How often do I as a wife, mom, child of God have an ungrateful heart? A selfish heart? A greedy heart? Way more often that I would like to admit. Sometimes my relationship with God is like my kids fighting over a toy. I pull, push, do what I have to to get my way. But the difference is God is not a sinner--He does not respond to me with frustration (translation: anger).

He has never sinned, and He is always ready to give me a dose of Grace--but also lets me suffer the consequences of my sin. Because it is a choice to sin, just as it was a choice for my children to punch and yell.

Ezekiel 44:10

"The Levites who went far from me when Israel went astray and who wandered from me after their idols must bear the consequences of their sin."

I pray, Jesus, that you would take this day and allow me to be a peacemaker, a person who shows your love to others, a person who knows that there is a judgment day. Help me live in the reality that being stuck in sin is eternal separation from you and everything good. Help me to teach my children the way they should go as I live out this imperfect life in front of them. Help me choose you. Help me to be thankful for you and all you've given.

Comfort, Oh Comfort

My daughter, 6, has been visiting the school nurse probably about 3 times a week recently. The nurse called me and told me about her regular visits--she called my daughter a frequent flier--I laughed!

The circumstances usually include a substitute teacher, which she did mention when she woke up this morning. Whenever there is a sub, she visits the nurse. When she is bored, or doesn't want to be out at recess, she visits the nurse. When there is too much noise, she visits the nurse. Well, you get the picture. We talk with her about these frequent visits, tell her about the little boy who cried "Wolf," bribe her with a trip to Dairy Queen...you name it, we've tried it. But she is not one for change, and even the smallest thing such as her teacher being out for the day, sends her into worry and insecurity.

This all got me thinking about comfort. On these days where she is needing a bit more attention, the nurse is the closest person she can think of to enlist. Someone knows her by name. She feels special. She gets attention. Someone cares about her, notices her.

Much of this way of thought is not foreign to adults. If we get down to the truth, isn't this the way a lot of us feel? We all want to be known by name. We want to feel special. We would love undivided attention, someone to are about us, notice us.

Often we put our hope in things such as people, career, parenting...to find that connection, to stand out. But, the lasting most real relationship that can give us this satisfying familiarity, is a relationship with God.

He knows us by name, from before we were born.

Psalm 139: 15-16

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

He KNOWS we are special, unique. He made us and called us good.

Genesis 1:30-31

30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

We are worth more than anything else he has made, and HE notices us.

Luke 12:6-8

6 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

7Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

8"I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God.

HE IS GOOD. HE IS THE ULTIMATE COMFORT.

Forgiveness at it's Root

So, for the past week I've been inside my own head a little too much.

It could be that I either prefer to be alone, in small groups of people or engaged in one-on-one conversation to any larger group gathering. It also could be that the reason I opt out of a lot of social situations is the exhaustion from my son has been waking up at night--screaming and crying (last night for an entire hour, the night before two times for the duration of 3 hours). Another possibility is that the winter this year has been endless, and I'm a bit depressed. Although today I see the sun--which has changed my entire demeanor. Also, some time connecting with a dear friend.

Whatever the reason, when I am inside my own head too much and am not consistently spending time with God things seem out of whack. Little things bother me WAY more than they should, I become selfish and prideful, and often times I have the mindset that can only stem from self-pity (no one really cares about me, sob, sob...)

At these times I feel insecure, overwhelmed, and discontent. These are NOT qualities that God gives me, but qualities with which Satan would love to trip me. Why does it seem that these same sins are constantly pounding at my life, sneaking in unexpectedly, and taking over just when there has been victory? Well, thankfully God is not finished with me, and that there are certain things that resurface if I am not daily asking Him to take them. Also, as I mentioned above, pride. As God tells us in His Word,

Proverbs 16:18
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."

Haughty is defined as having or showing arrogant superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy. Having or showing excessive pride or arrogance. I am prideful--sometimes this manifests itself in the form of excessive humility (...no one wants me there, I'm not good at this...).

Sometimes it surfaces in the form of passing judgment. Sometimes it shows up in anger. And more often than I'd like to admit it is shown in the lives of my kids because they, too, are sinful and also learn from my example. They show the same qualities that I wish were not a part of my own life. Ouch. The qualities that God freely gives me display are the fruit of the Spirit found in

Galatians 5:22.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I am sinful. I am redeemed. This is defined as to save from a state of sinfulness and its consequences, to restore the honor, worth, or reputation of. The GOOD NEWS here is that Jesus knows me more that I even know myself, and loves me anyway. He gave his life for me, full well knowing that I would do these things again. But He is loving me through them even though these things grieve him, and can potentially separate me from Him. He is the definition of GRACE.

Romans 5:7-9 says:

"Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!"

Lord, help me to live consistant to your character. Thank you for your grace!!

Crazy winter

It's the middle of winter where we live, and I am longing for spring. The outdoors is where I find sanity and peace at the same time. My kids are able to be outdoors, we can all have space that we so desperately need some days. But it's now. It's winter. I find myself asking the question...how do I enjoy the present, the day that is today?

Recently, my gracious husband gently reminded me that I have a habit of looking back and remembering only good. This is in itself good, to not dwell on past mistakes and regrets. But I also have a tendency to exaggerate the past--everything is greener and better than it actually was. This brings me to a mindset of not enjoying the present that God has for me at this moment in time. This battle with contentedness is a daily struggle that, unless combated with scripture and truth, wins the war for the day.

The verse that comes to mind is one that I remember singing in Sunday school as a young girl. Psalm "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 11:24

For me to find an attitude of gratitude in each day is key. Rejoicing in what God has for me, living my life between yesterday and tomorrow, and once in a while wearing orange sunglasses lenses to simulate vitamin D found when the sun decides to grace us with it's bright, warm self.

God's Image, Our Identity

God's Timing is good.

The teaching of this topic today was ordained by Him--I don't believe in coincidence, just divine planning.

After attending the YS conference in October my head reeled with information. I was elated to be able to teach a lesson inspired from a seminar taught by Jonalyn Fincher. Today, I finally had the chance to teach the high school students a lesson entitled "Comfortable in my Own Skin: God's Desire for our Identity and Self-Worth."

As women, we wear a lot of hats. But, we can also get caught up in the roles that we play. An exercise I had the students do was to think of all the roles that are played on a daily basis. (sister, [mom], student, [professional]...). Something God has to teach me often is that we are defined by none of these roles. They are blessings meant for us to enjoy, but first and foremost, we are children of God. Until we find our identity fully in Him, all else will pale in comparison and there will always be something missing.

Colossians 3:12 says: “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

Do you see that? God has CHOSEN us, we are HOLY and DEARLY LOVED. He's designed us for a purpose--to glorify Him with our entire life. Not in one "role"; but in every aspect of our lives.

Another analogy would be this: we all have different rooms in our houses. A bedroom, a living room, a kitchen. We do different things in those rooms: sleep, relax, eat. They are all built on a foundation, so to seek out what a foundation is made for is key. The foundation holds up the house, supports the rooms, and without it, the house would fall. So the question remains that I daily have to ask myself what is the foundation of my life built upon? Something that will fade away with time, or something solid & true?

Check out Jonalyn Fincher's blog. She is the author of a book entitled
Ruby Slippers: how the soul of a woman brings her home. I recommend this book--as always--to glean from what she's written.

9 days and counting

9 days and counting

So, we have nine days until baby #3 arrives. It seems as though this pregnancy has been incomparable to the other two. With the girls, there were not nearly as many emotions! Don't know if it's the testosterone running through me or what, but my husband is a trooper...He really knows this too shall pass!

Child Insight: Mia asked Lynn and I today to be quiet. When we were completely silent, she said that she wanted to hear Jesus. She said He told her that the boy would be born tomorrow. What a picture of true child-like faith and incredible insight to be still! Hope I can remember that one for a long time!

So, that's us: waiting for the boy, spending time with the girls, and getting adjusted to fall schedules. It's so nice for the girls to be in some sort of regular routine now. And for me, too. MOPS starts in a couple weeks...this time working with the publicity factor. Should be fun this year, as it's a brand new ministry at our church. Hope to reach some moms for Jesus, and to make a few good friends too. It's been an adjustment living here to say the least. Things are starting to feel a bit more real here--hey it's only taken almost two years! I guess I'm slow to adjust.

Things on the Youth Horizon are going well...Craig and I hope to go to a youth conference in Ohio in February. There is a track of courses to take for Youth Ministry Spouses. Looking forward to gaining some insight there! Not to mention some time with Craig, learning and laughing is always memorable.